Dart is wracked by loneliness on this holiday. He has so much on his mind that it’s difficult to paraphrase it all. Below, you’ll find large passages of his 10-page letter copied verbatim.
Never in all my life have I been so miserably lonely for anyone as I am now for you. Never have I wanted anyone so strongly. Never have I longed for love and affection and a chance to give all my love and affection so deeply as I long for such tonight. I love you beyond all hope of understanding and rationalization. In the deepest darkness of my emptiness, I love you with such an intensity that I can hardly think, or live.
My Dearest, you’ll always be troubled by my efforts at analysis. It’s as much a part of me as you are. For some reason tonight, I see in my love for you something that includes all of our hopes and precious dreams; all of our talks and experiences of everyday living which have become so wonderful for us since we knew we were in love; and all of the endearing, private experiences which we hold so close to our hearts. But the whole of my emotion now seems to be above all that, more beautiful and more serious, more deep and more lovely than ever before.
I’m afraid as I write. I remember, for it will never do to repress or try to forget, our case of disagreement. You said one thing which I keep hearing so often when I am moved to write to you to tell of my feelings. It was something about ‘pretty phrases.’ Oh, my Darling, I don’t want ever to misrepresent anything to you, yet tonight as I write, I don’t want you to remember that bitterness about ‘pretty phrases.’ I feel almost as if an ability at saying such things was a curse which showed itself in that moment when we lost something of each other for a time.
I can’t explain why I thought of such a sad blot in our memory, Dot. There seems so often to be a beauty in sadness. Right now there seems to be a beauty even in those two days. It’s there in the way we came so close to a break which might have never been healed, yet in the way we managed to come out of it still in love, or in love all over again. There is beauty in the way you were so willing, in your love and trust for me, to understand that there was something which I could not understand. I’ll never know why you didn’t tell me to GO, right then and there, and never to return. I deserved it.
Part of my love was there – the love that wanted to protect you. Part of it was missing – the part that deals with most of the rest of our relations. At once, I wanted to protect and comfort you, and to leave you and think for a while. And I think that you were of much the same mind: if not undecided between the same two extremes as I, then undecided in two other extremes of love and not-love.
It was only through the grace of that wonderful God of ours who has brought us together that we were able to come through that ordeal of bitterness and not-love, to a closer feeling for the problems which confront us in our life. I am always thankful to God that we are together; that I have faced, and expect to face the just measure of life’s trials with you as my wife. If anything that nightmare we had in which I prayed for eternal punishment if I had hurt you, and in which you cried for a night, has proved our love to be a true one, and worthy of our everlasting trust.
I don’t know what all this leads to , Dot. All I know is that I miss you terribly tonight, and when I tried to tell you how much, I ran into the thing in our black night which has distressed me greatly.
In relation to sadness and beauty, there must be some instinct for tragedy in all of us. Our being apart when we desire each other so much is tragic. Yet there is a soul-stirring beauty about it. My feeling tonight could easily go to that desire of which we’ve written so often lately. But if you were here, I think we’d go for a walk, even on this cold, snowy morning at 3:00 AM. We’d be so closely together in spirit that any union of our bodies would be secondary and far less important than our mere ‘being’ together.
What a strange word that ‘mere’ is in that sentence. At once, it expresses the simplicity in our pleasure and our peace, yet in that very simplicity it shows something of how little an occasion is necessary for two people in love to be supremely happy.
At this point in the letter, he shares with Dot details of his Christmas, which he calls “a paradox.” In truth, the family was down to their last few dollars when the gift of a significant sum of money came their way. The few gifts they gave to each other were both useful and delightful.
He describes in vivid detail both feasts they ate today, Knowing how Dart loves to eat, none will be surprised that he enjoyed each meal immensely.
“My old shaver, after years of faithful service, has been retired to a reserve status by the gift from you. To be really truthful, I was wondering how I would manage when the old one wore out, and you solved the problem. ”
Everyone was delighted with the thoughtful gifts they received, most of them courtesy of Dart and Burke. They were all grateful for the gifts from Dot and her parents, although he doesn’t give much detail on what they were, other than a renewal of his Readers’ Digest subscription.
He was so glad to hear Dot’s voice today when she and her parents called. “Gee, you sure have swell parents. I only wish I could remember what all we talked about. I remember that you got nice things for “us”, that your parents liked their pictures, that my little book had arrived but had not been read yet, and that I love you very much. I was too delighted hearing voices from Greenwich to remember much of what the voices said. When your father announced himself I almost dropped! I was glad to hear all three of you – you, your father, your mother.”
Although he’s afraid of jinxing things by writing about it, he can’t help telling Dot that his father has two prospects for jobs next week! Pop’s been so pathetic lately, that Dart hopes if he gets one of these jobs, he’ll stop aging for a while.
“Good night my Darling. I felt two hours ago when I started this that you were missing me as strongly as I miss you. Need I say that I love you?”